So Much for Good Intentions

Why is it so hard to blog regularly?  I love talking and I love writing.  Yet, blogging is a chore. It isn’t as though I have nothing to blog about either.  Heck, no one needs to have material other than day to day life!  But here I am.  Perhaps one of the reasons I haven’t been blogging is because all of my good intentions to change my lifestyle have not come to fruition.  My recovery from hip surgery was a lot longer than I anticipated and as a consequence, I have gained 20 pounds since my last marathon.  I also had a very busy semester so time was not on my side.  The upside is that I feel as though my hip is 99% recovered and I can run again.  I joined Weight Watchers online on Monday and plan to use it to help me through the silly season.

The easiest way for me to lose weight would be to give up my wine in the evenings.  During the semester breaks, this is easy, but during the academic school year, I have made a habit of unwinding with a glass of wine while cooking dinner and then usually another one with dinner.  And my glasses are no 5 oz!  What can I do instead?  That is really what I need –  way to unwind in the evenings that doesn’t involve alcohol.  Having two young children means that I am not free to just disappear and do whatever.  I have the Tony Horton Power90 DVDs and they have been instrumental in getting me back into some form of shape but the kids hate it when I do it.  They want my attention.  I even try to get them to do it with me, but they last through one set of exercises and then they’ve had enough.  So today I have two questions:

How do you maintain and not gain weight during the holidays?

How do you unwind after work?

And Time Goes By

Do you want to know how many blogs I have started?  Hmmm, I think this might be the 4th.  One of them actually got a lot of mileage but it was a private blog with lots of photos for my family and friends on the other side of the world.  I don’t even remember how to log in to it, and to be honest, it doesn’t feel the same now that my mother is no longer here to read it 😦

Enough of that for now!  This week has been a true test of my grit.  Both of the kids came down with strep throat, this being the busiest time of the year for my husband and me having various teaching commitments and various other meetings.  However, we survived the ordeal and both of us walked away tired and with moderately sore throats.  The good thing to come out of this is that I haven’t had so much as a craving for a drink since the weekend.  I wish I could say I have been headache and hip pain-free.  No such luck. A couple of Zomig and the rest of my Lortab later and my headache is mostly gone but the hip remains a literal thorn in my side.  Tomorrow is an exciting day as I get to visit with a friend of a friend who happens to be a Physical Therapist who specializes in, you guessed it, hip problems!  And she is doing this as a favor, as in, for free!  I don’t ever get stuff for free so this is a very exciting prospect.  I feel a bit guilty as I actually have a referral to see a PT, but, as seems to be happening more frequently these days, I don’t know where it is!

Let’s talk about mothering for a bit.  I have been at it for over 5 years now and I don’t feel as though I am any better at it.  It is just plain, hard work! My biggest problem is guilt.  I feel guilty that the boys are in daycare all day and I feel guilty when I do non-work stuff on work time.  I never feel as though I am giving my all to both of these important facets of my life.  I give even less to my husband but he is wonderfully non-demanding and he is excellent with the kids.  I sometimes wonder how different things would be if we’d had girls instead of boys.  Would I be better at playing with them?  I grew up with two brothers so I thought I’d have no trouble with boys, yet, I just find it difficult to want to play with cars and to even play hide and seek.  Come to think of it, I hated cars as a kids and never wanted to play hide and seek with my brothers.  My boys NEVER, EVER stop!  We have trouble getting them to bed at night, we have trouble slowing them down enough to eat dinner and we have trouble getting them moving for daycare in the morning.  Weekends are totally exhausting to me and I feel guilty for being this way.  I know it must get easier at some point.  Am I a bad mom for wanting to have me time? The only real me time that I get is when I am working!  And at 10 – 11 PM at night if I happen to be lucky enough to get the boys down that early!  With the little guy rarely sleeping through the night (he is 3 by the way), and me getting up around 6 AM most days, I am just plain tired all the time!  My mother-in-law is coming in to town this weekend – THANK GOODNESS.  This means downtime for me. I love having her visit and so do the boys!

Well, since tonight is a night when the kids decided to cooperate at bed time, I should take advantage and get my butt up into bed. Buenas noches.

Day 2: Make Me or Break Me Day

Usually on day two of a detox, I have convinced myself that I am not a problem drinker and that one beer after work isn’t going to hurt. And so, I have that one beer! Today I didn’t do it! I almost did because let’s face it, I felt like one. Just one. And I probably would have had just one. I don’t seem to need to keep going with beer like I do with wine. But, for two reasons, I didn’t reach for the beer. The first being that I am determined to do this. The second being, there is no beer in the house LOL. There is however, Black Cherry Lemonade which is very, very good. I don’t even like cherry flavored stuff but this stuff is gooooood!

Also on day two is the no unnecessary ingestion of Lortab. This was a pretty big battle today for two reasons. First, I had a headache. Wasn’t bad, but was annoying, and like all headaches, it had the potential to transform into a migraine. But I was feeling as though it probably wouldn’t, and I was correct. Second, I went for a 2 mile run this morning. Finally decided to check out the hip to see if any of my exercises were working. Turns out that 8 days of strengthening exercises and stretches do not help at all. By late afternoon, my hip was considerably painful. Now, instead of taking Lortab (I only have 8 left until sometime next month), I took Panadeine. This is an over-the-counter medicine available in Australia that contains acetaminophen and codeine. The codeine is in ridiculously miniscule doses which I doubt have any greater effect than the acetaminophen alone, but I took it just the same. I needed to at least try for a placebo effect. At least the pain got me on the phone making all sorts of appointments around town to try to sort this out.

Tonight I would like to introduce a third addiction of mine – Ambien. I have had sleep-onset insomnia all my life. This was a real problem as a kid and now it is just a real nuisance. Ambien changed my life. I could finally sleep again. I don’t even care if I am addicted to the stuff. There is just one problem with it, it DESTROYS my short term memory and probably has other more subtle effects on cognitive function. So, it is best for me not to keep it in the house. I have prescription refills that will give me enough for 1 a months for the next 3 months but for now, I am not filling it. I want to, but unless I can limit myself to using it only once or twice a week, I refuse to keep it in the house. Tonight will be night 2 without Ambien. In its place I have lorazepam (Ativan). This drug is OK. I use it sometimes. I believe that while I am detoxing from alcohol, Ambien and probably hydrocodone, popping a couple of lorazepams a night is probably a very sound thing to do. I don’t really notice its anxiolytic effects but I think I sleep better with it onboard. Eventually, my goal is to be drug-free except for when needed for the migraines and the arthritis.

I was the crankiest mom you could ever imagine tonight. I knew I was going to be. What with the premenstrual stuff going on which is probably also perimenopausal stuff AND detox, what can you expect? I feel a little sorry for my adorable little boys and a lot sorry for my lovely husband. They get the raw end of the deal when mommy/wifey is like this. But I can promise you all that I do not neglect my children or my husband. They are well taken care of both physically and emotionally. I am also the major breadwinner in this household and have managed to raise us to the social status of “soccer mom family”. Big house, big cars, big vacations, too many toys, a dog, a cat, a hamster and fish. Three fish at the moment. Just put 5 neon tetras into a 10 gal tank and two died right away. The other three look great so hears to hoping that they remain that way.

Ah, but blogging is therapeutic. Every time I thought about a drink or medicine today, I thought about my blog. Heck, no one has even read it yet but just the thought that it is public makes me want to stick to my guns. Now I just need some followers who can encourage or flame me. Tomorrow is going to be a great day!

Day 1, And So Begins the Spring Cleaning

Other than a rip-roaring hangover, which I might add, is very rare for a Monday, the day was perfectly OK. Even with all of my new resolutions, I’d have been hungover today. Yesterday was a retirement party for one of my favorite colleagues. I had to be there and I had to be sociable 🙂

No booze today. Not a drop. Of course, that isn’t uncommon for a Monday because I am usually at work all day and then doing karate in the evening. I have not yet been invited into the inner sanctum where I understand, beer is a favorite sustenance! No karate today either. Since injuring my hip several months ago, I have been very cautious about exercising. In fact, one might go so far as to suggest that I am using the injury as an excuse not to exercise. However, to prove the naysayers wrong, tomorrow morning I am scheduled to meet a friend to run at 8:30 AM. And tonight, it is supposed to reach a low of 25 F. WTF?

Another small feat today – no migraine or pain medicine other than my NSAID for my hip. This is great news for I tend to find a headache pops up whenever I think about my stash of Lortab. Another addiction? I surely hope not. I have to think seriously about this one. I don’t take it daily but I totally freak out if I don’t have any. It is my “emotional” crutch for when I have a migraine. Sure, my zolmitriptan works most of the time, but it doesn’t make me feel better emotionally! Today I hardly gave it a thought. This is a great sign.

Tomorrow I will be feeling less enthusiastic about my no alcohol, no drugs diet. I am yet to have added in the reduction of food-derived calories. That will come when I appear to no longer be losing weight from cutting out the booze. Hopefully, by adding some running back into the mix, this will be a few more weeks. Remember, 1 lb per week is the big goal.

I have been wondering a lot about menopause as of late. I have had some symptoms ever since my second child was born when I was 40. Now I am thinking more about it. I guess that until I stop cycling regularly, I can assume I am not yet there. However, I am a whole week early this week – and heavy. TMI? Too bad, this blog isn’t supposed to be for the faint of heart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but ALL WOMEN GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE eventually. Yep, it is true. Even little old me. However, I wasn’t expecting it until later. After all, I had my babies at 37 yrs and 11 months, and 40 years and 5 months. Heck, I could keep popping them out for years to come, right? Hmm, maybe not. Ah well. If I could survive the hot flashes that I had a year or so ago, I can survive anything!

Bring on tomorrow…